Grinning & Bearing It with Dead Little Eyes

I should start making a list of fun little things I am grateful for. We haven’t left our House of Squalor for two days now. No point. It’s now gone from boiling hot here, to freezing cold, pretty much overnight. I’m bored out of my tree, Ois has gone to get coffees (and hopefully a surprise for me to keep me shut up, though I have no idea what I would wish for) and I’m drinking a pre-mixed concoction of gin and grapefruit juice sold from the Billa Supermarket that is now, happily, kittenless.

1. I’m grateful for Marks & Spencer, Oasis and Accessorize- even though I can’t afford to buy anything there. They have all 3 shops in Kiev, and just walking through them reminds me of all the fun and high-jinx I got up to in the glory days of the Celtic Tiger… meeting Anne on Saturdays at the top of Grafton Street outside of Oasis after taking the bus into town. We’d hit a couple of stores then abandon shopping plans to sit instead in The Bridge until 6pm when the shops closed, and then we’d call Ois & Karl and twist their bendy arms to come and meet us for a couple. And get home after midnight.

2. I’m glad I don’t live here (the view directly across from our balcony):

So I don’t have to interview shoddy builders and work out condo fees to cover the Titanic crack right down to the foundations to fix this big fucking mess.

3. Nor do I have to worry about begging Holmes on Homes to come and check out the electricals in our Den of Squalor. I tried to tighten a dodgy light bulb in the bathroom and it exploded over my head, sending shards of glass onto the floor with my bare feet right out of the shower. Yes, what you see here is a dangling outlet, directly underneath a leaking air conditioner. We had to put a bowl there when we heard the waterfall in the middle of the night.

4. I’m happy to have watched a show on Animal Planet the other night about a guy who trained lions since they were cubs, then they got taken away from him by some African authorities. A year later, he located them again, and the lions all remembered him and were as docile and loving as kittens. It makes me reassured that Peanut & Betsy will not forget us in a mere 8-12 weeks.

5. I’m grateful to have seen another separate show on Animal Planet featuring some Canadian (!!!) guy who’s a lion tamer, where the opening montage shows the poor devil being forced to shower using the same big bowl this time filled with clean water as he previously used the night before to eat his supper. He lifts it over his head while his voice narrates, and the camera watches the water slowly trickle down over his golden, suntanned chest. I think you could use his abs as a washing board for your delicates, girls. Just as my mouth hangs open, Oisin hits me in the head with a pillow to bring me back to reality. It was a beautiful 5 seconds, anyways. I recommend you set your PVRs, ladies!

I couldn’t find a picture of the front view of the water shot, so here’s the back view and I’ll let your imagination fill in the rest… <fans self> I’m such a dirty old man!

4. Since Animal Planet is basically one of the only channels we get, I guess I had better be grateful for that too. It’s either that, or hours of Euro-trash dance music full of ladies in very cheaply made clothes with too many wind machines, and “boyfriends” who beat them up, glamourously, then they get forgiven at the end of the video. Just, ummm, No.

5. I’m sure there is a #5, but I’m just sort of stuck on the Canadian lion tamer. The little dimples over his bum are too distracting to type any more right now. And before any of you wise-arses tries to bellow out, “He’s probably gay,” well, he just broke up with Chelsea Handler, apparently. But eye-candy is eye-candy, and I could care less if he was straight or bent as a fiddler’s elbow. I’m still stuck in Kiev.