Icebergs and Strange Bedfellows

Yesterday we were feeling so pooped and also so lazy, we sat around the apartment in our pyjamas until 4pm. I honestly wasn’t counting on how tired we’d tend to feel over here- both of us have travelled all over the world and live for exploring the unknown with gusto, but because the purpose of this trip really isn’t about sightseeing, your mind seems to be everywhere else but here. Before when I heard other people say this, I sort of rolled my eyes and thought, “Whatever! You are in a brand new world away from home- how could you NOT want to see everything, do everything? What a waste to let all this stuff pass you by!” Now I get it.

At about 5pm we got a call on our Ukrainian cell phone. It was from another couple who are over here, with our adoption agency. They were hanging out with a second couple also from our city and they invited us out for supper with them that night. An hour later we were all standing in the square making introductions, then we left for supper at supposedly one of Kiev’s best Ukrainian restaurants… which made both of us nervous. Nervous because we are pinching pennies until they scream over here, and also because what constitutes “best” out of an American travel guide is usually not where either of us would want to eat. We don’t travel to faraway places to eat like, at a foreign TGI Fridays. Anyhow, it was more about the company than the food, so we just shut up and went.

The other couples were nice, with a bit of cabin fever, and varying degrees of frazzled. When we heard their individual stories, we didn’t blame them. Couple 1 (we’ll call them the Smiths) had been here 6 weeks already, and hadn’t seen a single kid in person yet. They were on their 3rd appointment, which is probably happening as I write this, at 9am. They had been trying to start a family for 7 years and had done everything- fertility drugs, IVF, adoption from China where the waiting list when they started was 18 months but by the time they submitted their dossier it had ballooned to the current 5 years so they cut their losses (and all the fees they paid) to start again with Ukraine instead. Both of them had bloodshot eyes and were at the point of no return. He had had a good few beers before dinner, and laughed that at their 3rd appointment he was saying to hell with it, and was coming in jeans with his suitcases packed. She was full of understandably nervous energy, and said she had no more tears left in her body to cry. Their first appt they were shown all the same seriously ill kids that we were shown, and they declined. Next they were offered a sibling group of 3, with the mom set to deliver a baby at any moment, and were told they better decide immediately, so they buckled under pressure and said yes. While they were here they went from wanting to adopt 2 kids to being pushed to take 3 with possibly 4, which they didn’t really want in an ideal world- but figured they’d call their social worker and get their homestudy amended just in case, so they could proceed with adopting the 2 boys and 1 girl siblings they had been offered, with a question mark over the possible baby. While they were in the midst of doing this, the 3 kids plus possible baby were adopted by somebody else. They were devastated. Then they were proposed 3 boys which they accepted immediately not wanting to lose another chance for their family. When they discussed it privately later that day both of them came to the realisation that they really did not want 3 kids, it wasn’t what they intended in the first place, and they just felt under the gun because of what had previously happened. They then declined the proposal. So now they are sticking to their original desire for 2 kids- and that’s it. Today will be make or break for them.

Family 2 (we’ll call them the Greens) have been here for 4 weeks. They too have been through hell and back. Their first appt they saw all the same sick kids and declined. Their second appt they were offered a sibling group of two little boys, one about 4, the other about 9. They left Kiev and because the boys were in 2 different age categories they were in different orphanages, so they had to stay somewhere between the 2 so they could visit each child daily. (You do not want to know how much money they spent on taxis back and forth out in the middle of nowhere every day to visit each child, plus a translator, plus accommodation for the translator, plus travel expenses for the translator.) The youngest boy they fell in love with right away, and the little one also had an instant connection with them. Lots of hugs, excitement etc for his new Mommy & Daddy. They were overjoyed. The older boy was another story. I will take the opportunity to say here that directors of orphanages are like anybody else in a job- some agree with policies made by their governing bodies, some resent them. The man who ran the older boy’s orphanage really disliked international adoption, and believed all Ukrainian kids should remain in Ukraine at any cost. Period. So he actually told all the kids in his care that they no matter what, they should not go with anyone who wanted to take them away from Ukraine, because in other parts of the world they only use adopted kids for their ORGANS. The kid was absolutely terrified of them and no amount of showing him pictures of Canada and gently explaining with candy and cookies and even bringing him video of his little brother in the other orphanage happy and giving his potential new parents cuddles and smiles was going to change his mind. (At an older age children in Ukraine must agree to the adoption, otherwise it will not proceed.) So at the eleventh hour, knowing they could not change his mind, the Greens consulted a lawyer, and filed paperwork to a judge to see if he would allow the brothers to be separated for adoption. They waited on pins and needles for days and days with fingers crossed- figuring at least one little boy would have a shot at a decent life. And then the judge came back with his decision and it was No. They were absolutely blindsighted and had to leave the little boy they had fallen in love with forever wondering “what if?”. How you go about explaining that rejection to a kid who finally believes he’s leaving an institution for a real family, I do not know.

So the Greens are also on their 3rd appt. In any case, we all saw the pattern here: 1st appt, you are shown the incurably ill children because they obviously hope that as you live in Canada, the land of milk and honey, you will take one of the sickest kids they have. Put the shoe on the other foot for a minute, and wouldn’t you do the same thing if you worked for the Children’s Welfare Office? I would.

The 2nd appt is where they see how far you might be pushed. If you give any hint of possibly considering more than one child, then all you will see from that point on are sibling groups. Again, this is understandable. If you have the means to take one child, then why not just take 2 or even 3 out of a miserable life of institutions? They are trying their best to place as many kids in decent homes as possible. Some people are lucky at their 2nd appt in that they are shown at least one decent proposal, others just get the short straw where their appt is late in the afternoon and all the healthier children are already gone to couples who came earlier that day. There still is some “luck of the draw” aspect to the process in that files appear in the database when they appear, and nobody knows what’s coming next for certain.

The 3rd appt though seems to indicate that all the cards are on the table, and it stands to reason that if it’s a choice between having no child adopted out of the orphanage, or a permanent family for a child, there is more of a scramble on both sides. Panicky phone calls are made back and forth to the agency, the facilitator, the Dept office, perhaps last strings are pulled- who knows. But it feels awful, because you know this is your last shot- you don’t want to leave without your child after the entire time and mental dedication you’ve committed to the process, yet there is this big question mark looming above your head as you also don’t want to take on more than you signed up for, either. Although in adoption you must be flexible to some extent and like that Stones song- sometimes you don’t get what you want but you get what you need- you also don’t want to bite off more than you can chew financially or otherwise.

So Weds will be our 2nd appt. We hope to God we find Mena, because I don’t think we have the stomach for anymore roller coaster rides, and we are literally down to our last dollars while we are here. We absolutely can not afford to be here a full 3 months or longer. So please, please please say a prayer for us that Weds goes perfectly, and we’ll leave Thursday to go meet our daughter wherever she may be. And then we just want to come home and put all of this behind us and get on with our back-to-normal lives.